It’s no secret that Leah and I have differing views on the relative importance of exercise in daily life.  I structure work around getting to ride my bike.  Last year I nearly told my boss I wouldn’t go on a business trip because I would get home too soon before a bike race.  Leah might consider exercising if the temperature is in a five degree window and she can think of absolutely nothing else to do.  Additionally, she might consider the walk from parked car to cafe an adequate workout.  As long as she’s happy, I don’t care too much other than wanting to make sure she’s healthy and holds up for the long run.

She wants to start a web business founded on the principle of “virtual exercise”, where the clients pay you to give them a training plan to think about working out.  They think about exercising, think about the gains they are virtually making, and we get rich.  In principle, it sounds like a great idea.  There are catches, however.

That’s why, when flipping through the advertising section of my favorite love/hate magazine, Dwell, I fell for the ROM.  That’s right for the low, low price of $14,615 you too can get the perfect workout in four minutes.  Why four minutes?  Because five would be too many.  Get ready to send those checks to North Hollywood.

I’ve come to realize by reading lifestyle publications over the years that if I was rich, my life would indeed be better.  Organic food would keep me from getting cancer.  Floor finishes and paint without deadly volatile organic compounds would keep my children from developing autism, and possibly the plague.  Furthermore, machined stainless steel door handles would last FOREVER, and since they last FOREVER, they’d be low impact, and good for the environment, at least for the next half hour until styles change.  But, little did I realize that hundreds of pounds of “sculptural steel” could change my life and my fitness.

This means I’ve been doing something terribly, terribly wrong all these years.  Those winter days doing repeats up hills, and those repeated 4km pursuit efforts were wasteful.  The times that I felt lightheaded and wanted to puke from sustained threshold and V02max training were unnecessary.  The four hour endurance rides were precisely three hours and fifty-six minutes too long.

I could have had fitness much, much faster.

Of course, the “experts” disagree, but read the “testimonials”.  The idea comes from the findings of “science”, regarding “interval training”.  Sure, the authors of those papers would laugh seeing the application of their research, but do you realize that you can burn calories by raising your metabolism, in just four minutes?  Just four minutes?  Take the “leap of faith.”

Personally, I feel bad for myself, but can you imagine how Lance Armstrong feels?  He won those seven tours by riding 30 hours a week up mountains for years on end.  He could have spent more than 29.5 additional hours a week on the couch calling an Olsen twin, listening to Sheryl’s latest, or trying to get Kate Hudson over for another booty call.  For a player and athlete of that caliber, time lost can never be regained.

At least I have time to change.

Unfortunately due to financial realities, I’ll have to wait until the virtual model arrives.

Waking up to the sound of water is a beautiful thing when you’re vacationing on the coast.  It’s a significantly more terrifying experience when waking up in your own, normally land-locked bed.  Yesterday morning when I could hear the sound of running water while standing at the bedroom door, the expectation of a normal day quickly vanished.

At least at this point, I’m so intimately familiar with the plumbing in our house I had the problem pegged before I made it down the stairs and into the partially submerged basement.  We had a broken water heater.  Fortunately, we hadn’t even put everything back in place from when the sewer backed up two months ago (yay plumbing!) so damage was minimal.  Still, it was 6:30am, the basement was flooded, the water was turned off to the entire house, and the solution was far down the road and around a few corners.  So I did what many seemingly thoughtful people would do and picked up the phone to call around, eventually settling on Home Depot due to their good price, same day installation and reasonable installation fee of $290.

Commence mocking now.

I started waiting, and not wanting to waste time, I got to work.  I drained the water heater.  I folded laundry.  I cleaned up the unaffected part of the basement.  I waited more.  I put on a movie.  Finally, almost five hours after I placed my order, I got a phone call.  When the plumber showed up with my new tank, and in a sense my hopes and dreams of being able to both shower and use the bathroom, I was quickly disappointed.  He took one look and said the new tank wouldn’t fit.  He declined to even measure.  He handed me an estimate for a required $440 worth of extra work (including $70 to spin on a $6 valve) and said his company would call “some time.”

This is when the shit got serious.

My ass drove six blocks to Morgans, bought a reasonable water heater (same size as I ordered from Home Depot), $60 of parts and a pipe wrench.  I went home, lowered my pants until the top two inches of my crack was visible, and got to work.  Three hours, and one beer later, we had running hot water and zero leaks.  Total cost: $490 

I felt redeemed.  Not only had I avoided getting pilloried by yet another plumber (when I had the sewer rooted, the plumber uttered the now-famous words “$220 for the first half hour, then $46 for each additional 15 minutes… PLUS TAX!”), but instead I had completed a project on my own.  That is a great feeling.   All the work I’ve done on the house over the past two years (including the bathroom, work still in progress) is starting to give me an inflated sense of my abilities.  I’m almost to the point where I think you could drop me in a remote part of the world with no house, and as long as there was a Home Depot in said remote part of world, I’d be just fine.  Leah might choose to disagree…

The point is that there are many things in life which people would assume they can’t do, but truly can.  Replacing a water heater is easier than stringing up Christmas lights.  Of course my extensive experience, muscularity and rugged good looks help, but there’s no reason to assume that anyone is incapable of completing the task.  Plus, when you’re finished, you get to feel great, stick one fist up in the air to celebrate, and extend a finger to tell crappy plumbers what you really think.

For those of you who read Alan’s last post, you know it’s track season. My stress-relieving hobby is baking, so as he wages war against those extra ounces and most of his energy and waking hours are devoted to cycling, I’ve begun a covert operation. Targeting his greatest vulnerability, I have launched a campaign I like to call “Operation Brownie”. The premise is simple: the more chocolate Alan consumes, the happier he is, and the easier it is to entice him to spend time at home rather than on the road. Bribery? Maybe. But after trying brownie recipes far and wide, we have found something approaching perfection. These squares of chocolatey goodness melt in your mouth, aren’t too sweet, and baked the right amount of time, turn out moist without becoming gooey.

Here’s my recipe for Make Alan Stay Home Brownies, drawn from Cook’s Illustrated, a magazine published by the America’s Test Kitchen geniuses.

Classic Brownies

Be sure to test for doneness before removing the brownies from the oven. If underbaked (the toothpick has batter clinging to it) the texture of the brownies will be dense and gummy. If overbaked (the toothpick comes out completely clean), the brownies will be dry and cakey.

1 cup (4 ounces) pecans or walnuts, chopped medium (optional)
1¼ cups (5 ounces) cake flour
½ teaspoon salt
¾ teaspoon baking powder
6 ounces unsweetened chocolate, chopped fine
12 tablespoons (1½ sticks) unsalted butter, cut into six 1-inch pieces
2¼ cups (15¾ ounces) sugar
4 large eggs
1 tablespoon vanilla extract

1. Adjust oven rack to middle position; heat oven to 325 degrees. Cut 18-inch length foil and fold lengthwise to 8-inch width. Fit foil into length of 13 by 9-inch baking dish, pushing it into corners and up sides of pan; allow excess to overhand pan edges. Cut 14-inch length foil and, if using extra-wide foil, fold lengthwise to 12-inch width; fit into width of baking pan in same manner, perpendicular to first sheet. Spray foil-lined pan with nonstick cooking spray.

2. If using nuts, spread nuts evenly on rimmed baking sheet and toast in oven until fragrant, 5 to 8 minutes. Set aside to cool.

3. Whisk to combine flour, salt, and baking powder in medium bowl; set aside.

4. Melt chocolate and butter in large heatproof bowl set over saucepan of almost-simmering water, stirring occasionally, until smooth. (Alternatively, in microwave, heat butter and chocolate in large microwave-safe bowl on high for 45 seconds, then stir and heat for 30 seconds more. Stir again, and, if necessary, repeat in 15-second increments; do not let chocolate burn.) When chocolate mixture is completely smooth, remove bowl from saucepan and gradually whisk in sugar. Add eggs on at a time, whisking after each addition until thoroughly combined. Whisk in vanilla. Add flour mixture in three additions, folding with rubber spatula until batter is completely smooth and homogeneous.

5. Transfer batter to prepared pan; using spatula, spread batter into corners of pan and smooth surface. Sprinkle toasted nuts (if using) evenly over batter and bake until toothpick or wooden skewer inserted into center of brownies comes out with few moist crumbs attached, 30 to 35 minutes. Cool on wire rack to room temperature, about 2 hours, then remove brownies from pan by lifting foil overhang. Cut brownies into 2-inch squares and serve. (Store leftovers in airtight container at room temperature, for up to 3 days.)

h/t to Katherine for the recipe!