I thought you might want to know that you’ve been mentioned a lot recently in the news. First the people in charge of Texas public school curriculum had a lot to say about what you did and didn’t think about a wide range of matters, and then Congress went all crazy and passed health-care reform. Seeing as you’ve all been dead for 200 years you might not care, but I thought you at least deserved an update.
Things are going to hell.
When you were around last there were 5.3 million Americans. Now there are, like, 308 million. I know, crazy huh? AND NONE OF THEM ARE SLAVES! At least legally… and that means the descendants of the almost 900,000 slaves in 1800 are free! Like I said, going to hell… And by the way, women vote now, and drive. Oh yeah, driving, we’ll get to that part later. But, ZOMG!
There are some good things too, I guess. We smoke everyone else in GDP. Yeah, baby! Last to first. And we still throw down. Other than having a few islands bombed in World War II (in which we totally kicked ass, btw), we haven’t fought a major war on our own soil in, like, a 150 years. We’re so powerful now that we get to enforce freedom for other countries. While we had a pretty good run with ass kicking, we’ve had a hard time closing out wars for the last forty years. Like I said, going to hell.
Anyway, Texas. As you know, it’s important to rewrite history every few years, and we all know it is too important to leave to the historians. School boards do a much better job interpreting the course of human events, and most importantly they do it without the “liberal” bias. Tell Jefferson and Franklin to get in touch if they can though, just to clarify the whole “no, we were actually atheists and anti-clerical and wanted separation of church and state.” Also, you might want to hush up the four of your constitution framing asses that we life-long bachelors. People might freak out now if it turned out that any of you were gay. lolz.
Oh yeah, health-care. Freedom is in shambles. It’s a good thing the Patriot Act got passed a few years back, or we’d really be screwed. Here’s a quick primer, although since you lived on average to 67 years of age, you might not really care because you clearly did about 20 years better than most of your contemporaries. Health care got really advanced, so much so now that people live about 11 years longer than you did on average. That’s progress really. In two hundred years, Americans live about 14% longer than you managed. It also got mind-bendingly expensive to take care of everyone. Congress got all uppity (dude, a black guy is president now, if you know what I’m saying), and tried to extend health care insurance to tens of millions. Nazi’s and socialists I tell you. (We’ll get to Nazism and socialism in the next letter when I explain the state of our churches and race relations) Anyhow, that means that if you were alive, your rich asses would be paying some taxes to make sure little Tommy and Granny Ann don’t go without the latest and greatest. Sucks, huh? No shit. I mean, we’ve got $1 trillion to spend in Iraq and Afghanistan, but geesh balance this budget asap.
PS. Your plan with the Indians worked. Your successors created little reservations, and they stayed for the most part. PWNED.
PPS. We’re friends with England again. AWKWARD. We messed them up good though. Guess who builds all the big ships now? You’ll never guess… SOUTH KOREA. Told ya.
Anyway it’s hard to tell the idiots these days that you guys created the more perfectest union of all time. I mean, you guys FTW! We’ll never do better.
I’ll write back, but I spend most of my day on politics blogs telling people how the world is ending, so it might take a while.
Peace,
Alan
